Responding to Compliments
I wanna share one of the most exciting and biggest lessons I’ve learned all summer! It has to do with receiving compliments. People respond to compliments in different ways, and how you choose to respond can greatly deepen the relationship with the other person.
There are different kinds of compliments. There are those made out of snide sarcasm: these are just meaningless insults. There are those made out of a generally polite cheer: these lack substance but can be nice and encouraging to hear. There are those made out of actual observation and a heart that really means it. It is this third kind that really means something. I mention the other two because they are by far more common. But we know the third is what makes a true compliment, anyway, and it is this third one that interests me.
I don’t know about you, but when I receive a compliment I tend to play it down to nothingness. It’s done out of modesty, out of a Christian value of humility (see Phil’s post). Obviously I wouldn’t want to say something proud and cocky and whatnot. So I’d play it down with the “naww it’s nothings”, “I’m not so good at ___”, or shrug it off and smile, then move right past to resume the conversation from where we last left off. And then we’re often right back in mundane chatter.
So pride and cockiness are bad, and modesty and humility are good. Sure. We know that and there’s nothing new. But there is something new to learn here. Something HUGE is lost when the kind of situation above happens–when one responds to a compliment by playing it all down.
Consider this: instead of being boastful or being over-modest — just speak sincerely. It is a chance to share your thoughts, motivation, values and beliefs! It is a chance to connect on a topic of interest to the other person and in which you have experience, at the least, if not conscious interest!
A week ago on my way home I encountered a girl in some rather unhappy circumstances and in a rather unhappy mood. Lending her my cellphone to make a call, I couldn’t help but overhear and pick up on a few things she was saying. Seemed like she was calling a guy looking for a place to crash, but the guy’s dad was an obstacle. She had an hour to while away and to walk to a friend’s house so as to sneak in after the dad fell asleep—it was near midnight already. Though not jumping to conclusions, it was clearly not the best of situations. I offered to keep her company for the hour and walk her over.
As we talked, she shared that she had been homeless for half a year, and was but half a year younger than me. She hadn’t been hanging out with the best crowds before, her house was burnt down, her boyfriend’s in jail, and now practically has no friends but the one friend of her boyfriend’s whose house she was going to. We talked on and off as we walked, I tried to be sensitive and sympathetic, tried to available as a listener and to get to know her, and tried to cheer her up overall. Half-way there she thanked me.
–“Thank you for walking with me. I’m impressed…”
–“Ohh don’t worry bout it. It’s nothing really.” *I hurriedly switch topics to be avert dwelling on something kind I did, afraid of being perceived as proud or allowing pride to actually grow*
On my own way back home I reflected on it and realized what I missed. I had suppressed myself for no good reason really. Throughout the walk I had thought about numerous things, not the least of which were the series of unexpected events earlier in the day leading up to this chance encounter, and how it seemed God had intended for this. There were no offensive things, just things sincerely on my mind. Why couldn’t I have just said some of it?
–“Thank you for walking with me. I’m impressed”
–“Oh don’t worry bout it. I really can’t imagine God leading me to do anything else but to walk you home right now. It’s my privilege really. And besides, I like getting to know people.
From that point the conversation could have been continued any number of ways: on God’s love and how He leads me to love others… on how walking girls home is common at UWCCF and our discussions of what it means to be a man… on how part of my delight this summer was I talking to strangers more than normal.
How much more meaningful that conversation could have been!
It is an understatement to say that we miss out when brushing off compliments. If you want to transform conversations from the mundane to the meaningful, it doesn’t take much, really! So when you receive a compliment, be neither proud nor over-modest. Seize the opportunity, and speak sincerely!
August 24th, 2008 at 1:03 pm
maybe it’s also because some of us are raised in an asian culture, where we are taught to be modest/humble and deny anything praiseworthy. i’m not sure if it’s because it’s to do with “saving face” or something else; i just know saying “thank you” is out of place and the “proper” response should be along the lines of “nonono….”
August 24th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
ya that’s definitely one of the reasons too I didn’t originally think about. I wasn’t taught that myself but I definitely do see it in asian/chinese culture. Talking with a lotta ppl directly about this topic the cultural thing is cited often.
as I think about it more, tho my realization came from the thought of downplaying things too much, the point in the end was more about 1) not to become _preoccupied_, in a way, trying to be humble (which may or not be reflective of true humility anyway) and 2) take the opportunity to share more deeply what is sincerely on one’s heart anyway. in my example of an alternative response i still said could have said “oh don’t worry bout it. It’s nothing really.” and then followed through with all the same goodies in convo.
August 24th, 2008 at 5:54 pm
It seems like we are having similar thoughts these days, with the whole talking to people more, being more open. This is a topic that I actually have been trying to look for an answer in. Like you, I find that I always am humble… of course though, in some sense, sometimes when you are humble and immediately change the subject, I sometimes wonder how people feel about that. maybe they take it as a “I know I’m awesome, you dont have to tell me, and i am just being nice by saying no its nothing”. probably not often, but its not far fetched.
As you exemplified above, I think it still is necessary to start humble, say no its nothing… but then give reason to why. Maybe mention about how it was your parents that brought you up this way. Or, maybe it is God.
Anyway, gj. The good samaritan.
M.
December 12th, 2008 at 6:05 pm
Ooh, that’s a great point on the sincerity. What if the sincerity reflected your dominant state of self-appreciation, self-love, and self-acceptance? It seems that receiving love might somehow inflate our egos and make us feel prideful or arrogant. It seems like the issue is where the energy goes, rather than the energy itself. Appreciation, Love, and Acceptance. Gotta love ‘em!